Four days of exercise this week. I ran out of exercise clothes, and didn't get caught up on the laundry, so that was enough of an excuse. Come to think of it, I still don't have any clean exercise clothes... Diet, still no good.

I thought it worth mentioning that I got in 5 days of exercise this past week. Four days of walking, including a 2+ mile trek with Wrigley in the stroller to see the cows. The weather was great on some days, not on others. Good thing I have a treadmill. Stuart and I played racquetball on the fifth day for date night. It was my first time ever. I wasn't very good, but it was fun. Not sure how fun it was for Stuart since I was not any kind of a challenge. I was lucky to keep a volley going. Still struggling majorly with diet, but it's something.

Men Are From Mars

So, my hubby is loosing weight. He started P90X in mid January. He stuck with it for about 6 weeks. He hasn't really exercised in probably a month. He watches what he eats. Most of the the time. He coaches a high school baseball team, so he swings the bat 300 times a day and jogs over to first base whenever they're up to bat in a game, and he refs church basketball games on Saturday afternoon, but there's no real cardio going on. He just not eating as much as he use to, and he's still dropping weight every week. He's down 32 lbs. in 11 weeks.

It's disgusting. It doesn't seem like he's even trying!

I mean it's good. I'm proud of him for doing it. He looks great, which is good for me and for him. I'm sure his heart is healthier, and eventually, after a few surgeries, his knees (ankle, shoulder...) might not hurt so much. I can tell he's excited about new clothes and looking better.

The problem is, I'm having a really hard time being happy for him. It comes down to jealousy I suppose. I worked so hard for so long to loose the weight I did. It took me 6 months of running six days a week, watching what I ate every day, and eventually counting calories to loose that same amount. I remember celebrating 32 lbs. lost at my brother's wedding. Now here I am having gained back every bit of my 43 lb. total and then some.

Every pound he looses somehow makes me feel more the failure. I guess I feel left behind. The better he looks, the more disgusting I feel. The more excuses I find. The more hopeless it seems. Especially since I have the possibility of another baby looming over me. What's the point if I just have to get fat and pregnant anyway. I'm twenty pounds heavier than I ever was at the beginning of a pregnancy. I don't hit this weight until I'm about 6 months in. Of course I can't tell him any of this because I; 1) don't want him to say "I told you so," and 2) I don't want him to feel bad for his success, and 3) I don't want him to stop. Like I said, he's looking good.

*Sigh* I've gone so far backwards. I feel like since I've failed what's the point? Why go through all the effort since I'll probably just end up fat, and probably fatter than before? You'd think all this dribble would be motivating. It really just encourages me to make cookies.

Today marks the day of epic failure. Complete and total failure. I surely haven't earned weight loss, but seeing the same number I saw flashing back at me on the scale when I started this journey almost two years ago was extremely disheartening. I don't normally weigh in on Thursday, but I just came off the flu, and despite a few days of eating little or nothing, I felt and looked bigger. Sure enough, I've gained 7 lbs. in the last week. I feel no hope. I don't know that it's even worth the effort. Even if I loose weight for a little while, it's doubtful I'll keep it off long enough to matter. Hopeless, pointless, failure...

So, I gained two pounds. Only exercising one day last week, and a big time cookie binge will do that to ya'. So I'm trying to get it right again this week. Week two of the running program. I ran 2 min./walked 1 yesterday. Today's a walk day. I'm oh, so, tired. I'll have to get it in sometime.

3-0 again today! 30 minute walk outside with the baby (who's 2 and not really a "baby" anymore). Now if only I hadn't made cookies to take to scouts today...

Two Days in A Row

It's progress. I didn't make it out of be this morning. I made the mistake of laying my head back down after the alarm went off, and next thing I knew the 7:00 am alarm was ringing. I wavered for a few hours, telling myself that I'd get it in later, maybe in the evening, but in the end I knew I wouldn't get on the treadmill tonight. I'd be tired. There would be dishes, and sewing to do. I just had to do it. The twins went out to play with friends (I feel a bit guilty about that), and Wrigley came to the basement to play while I did my 30 min walk/run per runner's world's schedule.

I've decided there are three things I want to accomplish each day; personal scripture study, personal prayers, get my exercise in. If I can do those three things I'll count it as a good day. Everything else is extra right now. Anyone who walks into my house will know it! Today I'm 3-0. Yea!

A New Goal

"Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start..."

I have to face the fact that my original weight loss/fitness goal has flown out the window. Rather than continue being frustrated with my back tracking, and how far I've not gotten, I've decided to move on. I'm going to recognize the success I had, I've kept off 17 of the 74 lbs. and start fresh. New road. New race. It's all up from here. I'm taking a tip from a friend and going back to the beginner's running program from runnersworld.com. 10k's and even 5k's sound dreadful at the moment. A 30 minute walk/run? That I can do.

I have to admit I'm not in the mental game yet. Due to physical/hormonal factors, I am tired all the time. The medications don't seem to being doing much to help. I've allowed myself to say sleep is better than exercise, but I don't feel any better when I manage to get it. I've been eating like crazy. The good stuff too- which is really code for "bad for me." I've had kind of a "stick it to 'em" attitude. The trouble is, the "'em" is me. Make sense? No? It doesn't to me either, and yet I continue. Our financial famine is showing signs of improvement, so hopefully the food selection will also improve in the near future. That might make eating right easier.

Other concerns I have; my hip. Old lady? Yes, but my right hip has been giving me trouble since I did the two hour Zumba-thon a couple months ago. I'll have to look into exercises again, to strengthen and protect it. Speaking of Zumba, my studio is closing down, so good-bye to Zumba and Pilates *snif* Also, I could use new shoes. I don't like the ones I'm wearing. Plus they're a year old.

The hubs has taken an interest in fitness lately. He and a friend are working out together. He's even counted his calories a number of times. Funny he had no interest during the year that I was doing well. Now he's making suggestions, and I'm rebelling.

Anyhoo... we'll see how the day goes. Experiment on the word right?

Lab Work

I've heard people say that we're all dying, very slowly. I'm just dying a little less slowly than most people.

Blood Sugars? Not better. Worse.
Thyroid? Fine.
Testosterone? Non-existant. Literally.
Progesterone? In the toilet.
Vitamin B12. Improving.
Vitamin D3. Improving.
Iron? Not where it should be.
Ferritin? What? What's that?

And, in addition my cholesterol has creeped out of "normal" range, my adrenal glands aren't doing whatever it is they're suppose to do, and my reflux is coming back. I'm tired and I just want to eat cookies.

Two Ton Heffer

So maybe not two tons but the 2 on the scale is not in a good position. I swore, never again. I never wanted to see that number again. Never. And yet there it was. I kept getting closer, and in the back of my head I thought, "as long as it's not 200 I'm still doing okay." But I'm still fat at 198, and 198 is only a weekend away from 200. Heck, I'm still fat at 194. I don't really start to look and feel better until I'm in the low 180's. I got to experience that for a few months. I felt pretty darn good. I think that was part of the problem. I developed an attitude of "good enough". I was exercising so much I could eat whatever. I looked good enough I was entitled to eat whatever. I'm so sad. So disappointed in myself. So hopeless. I feel like such a failure. And all I want to do is eat cookies.

I went to an addiction recovery class last week. I think I could use it, but for now I'll have to do the program at home. If I can commit myself to it. I can't quite wrap my head around it. It takes so much work. So much discipline. So much time! I know that even if I do everything I'm suppose to I'll be lucky to be down 15 lbs. by the end of the year. It'll take me til' next Summer to reach my ultimate goal. I'm right where I started. I've been 200 lbs. a hundred times. I thought I'd finally broken that. Guess not. I feel like, what's the point. I'll never make it.

It's been a rough stretch, full of cookies and intermittent exercise. Last week started out horribly with a major cookie binge. It was utterly embarrassing. I estimate 36 cookies within a 24 hour period. That included making a second batch to cover up the fact that most of the first batch was missing. If that's not addiction, I don't know what is. At least it prompted me to better myself. I ran on the treadmill Tuesday night for about an hour, Pilates Wednesday morning, ran outside Thursday morning, Zumbatoning Friday... I ate pretty well too. Until Saturday. Then I skipped exercise because I took a night shift helping a lady who just brought home Triplets. Then there were cookies at my twin mom's day out, and I helped myself. So... this week I'm hoping for 5 days workout. Baby steps. I went running, but it was not a good run. I walked half of it. I was heavy, slow, my right knee was not cooperating... but I did go out.

Good run yesterday. Somewhere between 3 and 4 miles. GREAT weather! Sore this morning. Zumba was also GRRRREAT this morning! Still eating crappy, but we'll get to that. Feeling energized at the moment.

There's a marathon relay I really want to do. Problem(s); I don't have my share of the $200 entry fee, neither do I have 4 team mates, and not sure I could do all 5.2 miles by next week. I could probably get the team together. Probably push through the miles, pretty sure the money will still be non existant whether the race is in one week or one hundred.

Today is not off to a great start. The kids kept me up most of the night, and I didn't get up early because I had a pliates class after the kids left for school this morning, but I forgot that Chloe had a dentist appointment scheduled, so there went my car. I think I'm going to be fat forever.

I'm not going to go in to the details of last week, or yesterday. Let's just say I need to find a new word that's worse than abysmal. Today's a weigh-in day. Gained a pound. Surprised it was 10. I keep expecting to see the dreaded 200 on the scale... anyhoo.



Pre-workout snack:

1 slice wheat toast w/ PB (180)

My good eating lasted until mid-afternoon, at which point I caved to the munchies and chocolate milk that was in the house. I did fine at dinner, but was hungry and bed time and instead of just going to bed, I thought, "oh, chocolate milk won't hurt" Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb (to the tune of the old Tums commercial)!

Okay. Not the best week for exercise, or food. I can see my face getting rounder as my jaw line merges with my neck, and my gut plumps up and spreads farther out into my lap. Can one say collosial failure? *sigh*

I went to Zumbatoning this morning. And I ate a descent breakfast. I have to have bloodwork done and visit the doctor in the next two weeks. It's so embarrassing to go and have to show how much I've gained instead of lost. *sigh again*

Weigh-in Day

Last week's routine was thrown off in preparation for and the duration of my trip to Denver! I got up at the awful hour of 5:30 am to go walking with my mom while I was there, still it only resulted in 3 days of exercise for the week. The trip was grrrrreat!

I was terrified to step on the scale this morning. Given last week's 5 lb. weight gain, and the delicious restaurants and yummy food prepared by my mom last week. I mustered up the courage and was surprised to see I'd dropped 4 lbs. Kind of amazing. Not sure how it happened.

This morning was the first day of school, which means it's time for mom to get back to her early morning routine. The alarm went off at 6 am, and I made it out the door by 6:30. Scriptures are at 7, so not enough time for a long run, but I got a couple miles in (in the literal sense of a "couple" meaning 2). It was chilly and windy. WINDY. I am not a fan of the wind. My ears always hurt by the time I get home from the wind blowing in them.

So, I did okay at breakfast, two pieces of wheat toast with peanut butter. Higher in calories and carbs than I should, but we're desperate for a trip to the store. Lunch kind of got away from me. At least the discipline part of it. I at 2- ugh! It's worse in print- that's TWO grilled cheese sandwiches and an apple. And I really just want to keep eating.

I was up late working last night. This home crafty business thing is going to kill me. I'm not even sure it's going to provide the $90/month I need to pay for preschool for the twins. I overslept and missed Pilates this morning. It's going to kill me next week for sure!

It's official. I'm going to be fat forever. I managed to gain 5 lbs. this week. I didn't expect progress because of last week's limited activity and good food binge, but I didn't expect to gain 5 lbs. I ran/walked today. *sigh*

Got to run in Park City this weekend. I was excited to run in a new place. Especially after several days off due to a cut on my toe that prevented me from wearing shoes. The altitude caught me off guard a little. I didn't expect it to be much different. It was a great run! Lasted about an hour, however far that took me. Now I was up there for a girls' weekend get away, which was GREAT, however, I ate my weight in delicious foodstuffs. I was so tired that I didn't get up this morning to run either. I'll have to do better tomorrow.

I'm in a funk these days. Too much life. I slept in yesterday, and even though my husband was home, I skipped my run. My eating was okay though. This morning I got my butt kicked at Pilates. Now for the eating. Cream of Wheat for breakfast. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. I don't know if I have it in me today...