So, I gained two pounds. Only exercising one day last week, and a big time cookie binge will do that to ya'. So I'm trying to get it right again this week. Week two of the running program. I ran 2 min./walked 1 yesterday. Today's a walk day. I'm oh, so, tired. I'll have to get it in sometime.

3-0 again today! 30 minute walk outside with the baby (who's 2 and not really a "baby" anymore). Now if only I hadn't made cookies to take to scouts today...

Two Days in A Row

It's progress. I didn't make it out of be this morning. I made the mistake of laying my head back down after the alarm went off, and next thing I knew the 7:00 am alarm was ringing. I wavered for a few hours, telling myself that I'd get it in later, maybe in the evening, but in the end I knew I wouldn't get on the treadmill tonight. I'd be tired. There would be dishes, and sewing to do. I just had to do it. The twins went out to play with friends (I feel a bit guilty about that), and Wrigley came to the basement to play while I did my 30 min walk/run per runner's world's schedule.

I've decided there are three things I want to accomplish each day; personal scripture study, personal prayers, get my exercise in. If I can do those three things I'll count it as a good day. Everything else is extra right now. Anyone who walks into my house will know it! Today I'm 3-0. Yea!

A New Goal

"Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start..."

I have to face the fact that my original weight loss/fitness goal has flown out the window. Rather than continue being frustrated with my back tracking, and how far I've not gotten, I've decided to move on. I'm going to recognize the success I had, I've kept off 17 of the 74 lbs. and start fresh. New road. New race. It's all up from here. I'm taking a tip from a friend and going back to the beginner's running program from runnersworld.com. 10k's and even 5k's sound dreadful at the moment. A 30 minute walk/run? That I can do.

I have to admit I'm not in the mental game yet. Due to physical/hormonal factors, I am tired all the time. The medications don't seem to being doing much to help. I've allowed myself to say sleep is better than exercise, but I don't feel any better when I manage to get it. I've been eating like crazy. The good stuff too- which is really code for "bad for me." I've had kind of a "stick it to 'em" attitude. The trouble is, the "'em" is me. Make sense? No? It doesn't to me either, and yet I continue. Our financial famine is showing signs of improvement, so hopefully the food selection will also improve in the near future. That might make eating right easier.

Other concerns I have; my hip. Old lady? Yes, but my right hip has been giving me trouble since I did the two hour Zumba-thon a couple months ago. I'll have to look into exercises again, to strengthen and protect it. Speaking of Zumba, my studio is closing down, so good-bye to Zumba and Pilates *snif* Also, I could use new shoes. I don't like the ones I'm wearing. Plus they're a year old.

The hubs has taken an interest in fitness lately. He and a friend are working out together. He's even counted his calories a number of times. Funny he had no interest during the year that I was doing well. Now he's making suggestions, and I'm rebelling.

Anyhoo... we'll see how the day goes. Experiment on the word right?

Lab Work

I've heard people say that we're all dying, very slowly. I'm just dying a little less slowly than most people.

Blood Sugars? Not better. Worse.
Thyroid? Fine.
Testosterone? Non-existant. Literally.
Progesterone? In the toilet.
Vitamin B12. Improving.
Vitamin D3. Improving.
Iron? Not where it should be.
Ferritin? What? What's that?

And, in addition my cholesterol has creeped out of "normal" range, my adrenal glands aren't doing whatever it is they're suppose to do, and my reflux is coming back. I'm tired and I just want to eat cookies.

Two Ton Heffer

So maybe not two tons but the 2 on the scale is not in a good position. I swore, never again. I never wanted to see that number again. Never. And yet there it was. I kept getting closer, and in the back of my head I thought, "as long as it's not 200 I'm still doing okay." But I'm still fat at 198, and 198 is only a weekend away from 200. Heck, I'm still fat at 194. I don't really start to look and feel better until I'm in the low 180's. I got to experience that for a few months. I felt pretty darn good. I think that was part of the problem. I developed an attitude of "good enough". I was exercising so much I could eat whatever. I looked good enough I was entitled to eat whatever. I'm so sad. So disappointed in myself. So hopeless. I feel like such a failure. And all I want to do is eat cookies.

I went to an addiction recovery class last week. I think I could use it, but for now I'll have to do the program at home. If I can commit myself to it. I can't quite wrap my head around it. It takes so much work. So much discipline. So much time! I know that even if I do everything I'm suppose to I'll be lucky to be down 15 lbs. by the end of the year. It'll take me til' next Summer to reach my ultimate goal. I'm right where I started. I've been 200 lbs. a hundred times. I thought I'd finally broken that. Guess not. I feel like, what's the point. I'll never make it.

It's been a rough stretch, full of cookies and intermittent exercise. Last week started out horribly with a major cookie binge. It was utterly embarrassing. I estimate 36 cookies within a 24 hour period. That included making a second batch to cover up the fact that most of the first batch was missing. If that's not addiction, I don't know what is. At least it prompted me to better myself. I ran on the treadmill Tuesday night for about an hour, Pilates Wednesday morning, ran outside Thursday morning, Zumbatoning Friday... I ate pretty well too. Until Saturday. Then I skipped exercise because I took a night shift helping a lady who just brought home Triplets. Then there were cookies at my twin mom's day out, and I helped myself. So... this week I'm hoping for 5 days workout. Baby steps. I went running, but it was not a good run. I walked half of it. I was heavy, slow, my right knee was not cooperating... but I did go out.