Two Ton Heffer

So maybe not two tons but the 2 on the scale is not in a good position. I swore, never again. I never wanted to see that number again. Never. And yet there it was. I kept getting closer, and in the back of my head I thought, "as long as it's not 200 I'm still doing okay." But I'm still fat at 198, and 198 is only a weekend away from 200. Heck, I'm still fat at 194. I don't really start to look and feel better until I'm in the low 180's. I got to experience that for a few months. I felt pretty darn good. I think that was part of the problem. I developed an attitude of "good enough". I was exercising so much I could eat whatever. I looked good enough I was entitled to eat whatever. I'm so sad. So disappointed in myself. So hopeless. I feel like such a failure. And all I want to do is eat cookies.

I went to an addiction recovery class last week. I think I could use it, but for now I'll have to do the program at home. If I can commit myself to it. I can't quite wrap my head around it. It takes so much work. So much discipline. So much time! I know that even if I do everything I'm suppose to I'll be lucky to be down 15 lbs. by the end of the year. It'll take me til' next Summer to reach my ultimate goal. I'm right where I started. I've been 200 lbs. a hundred times. I thought I'd finally broken that. Guess not. I feel like, what's the point. I'll never make it.

It's been a rough stretch, full of cookies and intermittent exercise. Last week started out horribly with a major cookie binge. It was utterly embarrassing. I estimate 36 cookies within a 24 hour period. That included making a second batch to cover up the fact that most of the first batch was missing. If that's not addiction, I don't know what is. At least it prompted me to better myself. I ran on the treadmill Tuesday night for about an hour, Pilates Wednesday morning, ran outside Thursday morning, Zumbatoning Friday... I ate pretty well too. Until Saturday. Then I skipped exercise because I took a night shift helping a lady who just brought home Triplets. Then there were cookies at my twin mom's day out, and I helped myself. So... this week I'm hoping for 5 days workout. Baby steps. I went running, but it was not a good run. I walked half of it. I was heavy, slow, my right knee was not cooperating... but I did go out.

Good run yesterday. Somewhere between 3 and 4 miles. GREAT weather! Sore this morning. Zumba was also GRRRREAT this morning! Still eating crappy, but we'll get to that. Feeling energized at the moment.

There's a marathon relay I really want to do. Problem(s); I don't have my share of the $200 entry fee, neither do I have 4 team mates, and not sure I could do all 5.2 miles by next week. I could probably get the team together. Probably push through the miles, pretty sure the money will still be non existant whether the race is in one week or one hundred.

Today is not off to a great start. The kids kept me up most of the night, and I didn't get up early because I had a pliates class after the kids left for school this morning, but I forgot that Chloe had a dentist appointment scheduled, so there went my car. I think I'm going to be fat forever.